The Moment you Realize Your Life is A Lie
" no, I don't want to play with you." I said sternly
"but, why?" she asked annoyingly for the thousandth time, It was my recess and I didn't want to play with her,
and like the little itch that I was I turned around and said
"Because you get on my nerves, and I don't want to play with you."
little did I know she was about to hit me with that fire, as I've said before Ive always for the most part been pretty brutally honest especially when I didn't like something.
she then yells " you know what, I don't want to play with you anyway you're mean thats why your dad isn't really your dad"
I give her the illest ill grill " what are you even talking about stupid yes he is."
with a smirk on her face she goes "NO, he's not I heard my mom and dad talking about it thats why yal don't have the same last name."
I was in elementary school and the girl who told me was my play cousin, and when I think about it now I should of beat her ass but, I was shocked an I literally felt my world crumble. What the hell was she talking about? I then started to think like damn we really don't have the same name something I don't ever remember realizing and I was a pretty smart kid I noticed a lot but some how that got past me.
I go home and I asked my mother " would you and daddy ever lie to me ?" she said
" no, whats wrong pooh?" I don't remember if at that point i told her what happened BUT what I do know was she told me she wouldn't lie to me and I walked away under the impression that the person who raised me my whole life was my biological father.
Ive always been able to sense guilt or sadness in my mother and while I hoped she was telling me the truth I didn't believe her. And when something doesn't add up to me I become Inspector fucking Gadget
So, any one that knows my mom knows she's a journal keeper and she loves pictures. so I had a baby book and she had a diary from when she was pregnant with me.
In the baby book under Father it said a name other than the one I knew ( My Biological Fathers Name) so at this point I go deep into investigating because now I'm angry. I HATE being lied to by anyone that Ive given the opportunity to tell me the truth, it feels like an extreme betrayal. I then proceed to read her diary about how he felt as though I wasn't his kid because I came out too light, ( Mind you my mom is literally high yellow) and how he tried to convince her to abort me, as well as the fact that I had a sister that was a few months older than me that he pretty much adored and took good care of. so that built up an extreme resentment for me ( which I've worked through by doing therapy and just understanding that your parents are literally just regular people who had sex and happen to have you I think when I bring it to that base level its what make it easy to be understanding)
So one night I confronted them about them lying to me it was really dramatic tearful angry night for me, well angry next few years. I think this really started to shaped the way that I looked at people, in my mind I always wonder " are you lying to me?" ... As a kid I built my father up in my mind despite what I read and made my mother the villain because she wasn't truthful so obviously everything was her fault. (I say that with lots of sarcasm) Which looking back that was extremely unfair, but I was young and didn't get it. And was extremely disappointed when I reached out to him.
WHAT DID I LEARN FROM THIS EXPERIENCE:
1.That your parents are only human. My mom was 19 when she had me and experiencing and extremely heart breaking experience, something i hope to never fully understand.
2. Grow through what you Go through.... I cannot began to explain the rage I had inside me that I just recently began to heal but you have to go through it and I am genuinely happy that i came through that like I feel strong asf for having a break through on something that I struggled with for years.
3. Shift your paradigm, there are plenty of people who didnt have someone to take them in. this situation taught me to look at the glass as half full instead of half empty and it has changed my spirit and energy DRAMTICALLY I dealt with depression for many years but in the last 3-4 years I was on a serious down hill spiral. Now mind you I spazzed out and had a whole mental break down a few months ago but i say that to say some times you have to be stripped bare to rebuild a newer more productive version of yourself. I always knew i was a fighter but I now know i was just fighting the wrong battles and I just needed to redirect my energy. As painful as it was I regret nor would I change any of it.
And before I go I would just like to say, Ma know you're not perfect but I appreciate all that you sacrificed for me at 19 years old, losing your virginty and becoming pregnant with me and changing everything to raise me the best way you knew how. Thank you
-Hood Spice
"but, why?" she asked annoyingly for the thousandth time, It was my recess and I didn't want to play with her,
and like the little itch that I was I turned around and said
"Because you get on my nerves, and I don't want to play with you."
little did I know she was about to hit me with that fire, as I've said before Ive always for the most part been pretty brutally honest especially when I didn't like something.
she then yells " you know what, I don't want to play with you anyway you're mean thats why your dad isn't really your dad"
I give her the illest ill grill " what are you even talking about stupid yes he is."
with a smirk on her face she goes "NO, he's not I heard my mom and dad talking about it thats why yal don't have the same last name."
I was in elementary school and the girl who told me was my play cousin, and when I think about it now I should of beat her ass but, I was shocked an I literally felt my world crumble. What the hell was she talking about? I then started to think like damn we really don't have the same name something I don't ever remember realizing and I was a pretty smart kid I noticed a lot but some how that got past me.
I go home and I asked my mother " would you and daddy ever lie to me ?" she said
" no, whats wrong pooh?" I don't remember if at that point i told her what happened BUT what I do know was she told me she wouldn't lie to me and I walked away under the impression that the person who raised me my whole life was my biological father.
Ive always been able to sense guilt or sadness in my mother and while I hoped she was telling me the truth I didn't believe her. And when something doesn't add up to me I become Inspector fucking Gadget
So, any one that knows my mom knows she's a journal keeper and she loves pictures. so I had a baby book and she had a diary from when she was pregnant with me.
In the baby book under Father it said a name other than the one I knew ( My Biological Fathers Name) so at this point I go deep into investigating because now I'm angry. I HATE being lied to by anyone that Ive given the opportunity to tell me the truth, it feels like an extreme betrayal. I then proceed to read her diary about how he felt as though I wasn't his kid because I came out too light, ( Mind you my mom is literally high yellow) and how he tried to convince her to abort me, as well as the fact that I had a sister that was a few months older than me that he pretty much adored and took good care of. so that built up an extreme resentment for me ( which I've worked through by doing therapy and just understanding that your parents are literally just regular people who had sex and happen to have you I think when I bring it to that base level its what make it easy to be understanding)
So one night I confronted them about them lying to me it was really dramatic tearful angry night for me, well angry next few years. I think this really started to shaped the way that I looked at people, in my mind I always wonder " are you lying to me?" ... As a kid I built my father up in my mind despite what I read and made my mother the villain because she wasn't truthful so obviously everything was her fault. (I say that with lots of sarcasm) Which looking back that was extremely unfair, but I was young and didn't get it. And was extremely disappointed when I reached out to him.
WHAT DID I LEARN FROM THIS EXPERIENCE:
1.That your parents are only human. My mom was 19 when she had me and experiencing and extremely heart breaking experience, something i hope to never fully understand.
2. Grow through what you Go through.... I cannot began to explain the rage I had inside me that I just recently began to heal but you have to go through it and I am genuinely happy that i came through that like I feel strong asf for having a break through on something that I struggled with for years.
3. Shift your paradigm, there are plenty of people who didnt have someone to take them in. this situation taught me to look at the glass as half full instead of half empty and it has changed my spirit and energy DRAMTICALLY I dealt with depression for many years but in the last 3-4 years I was on a serious down hill spiral. Now mind you I spazzed out and had a whole mental break down a few months ago but i say that to say some times you have to be stripped bare to rebuild a newer more productive version of yourself. I always knew i was a fighter but I now know i was just fighting the wrong battles and I just needed to redirect my energy. As painful as it was I regret nor would I change any of it.
And before I go I would just like to say, Ma know you're not perfect but I appreciate all that you sacrificed for me at 19 years old, losing your virginty and becoming pregnant with me and changing everything to raise me the best way you knew how. Thank you
-Hood Spice
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